LIFELINE Employee Assistance Program

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Elements of A Healthy Family

Families come in all shapes and sizes: single parent, blended families, multiracial, multicultural, families where the father is the primary caretaker, families where the mother is the primary income source domestic partnerships, or any number of other combinations. In fact, it’s nearly impossible to define a “normal” family. Regardless of their makeup, healthy, strong families share certain attributes—attributes we can all use to improve the quality of our family life.

What makes a family strong and healthy? Togetherness, love, respect for individual differences, and an ability to adjust positively to stress or change. How a family functions and how family members care for each other are much more important than the form the family takes.

Healthy families

• Communicate. Open communication is essential. Family discussions should be held as often as possible.
• Adapt. With life comes change, and the ability to adjust to change, handle stress in a positive manner, and ask for help when it is needed is essential for a healthy family
• Have clear responsibilities. Clearly designated but flexible responsibilities are very important. Give children a clear, fair, yet firm idea of what is expected of them.
• Share time. Spending time together in a busy world is often difficult and overlooked, but it is crucial to your family’s well-being. Develop routines together, engage in family traditions, and participate in frequent activities together.
• Share spirituality. Helping others, developing and sharing a clear set of values, or involving the family in a religious group enhances and emphasizes an important dimension in life.
• Are part of the community. Close relations with friends, neighbors, extended family members, and the rest of the community give a sense of connectedness.
• Are committed to each other. Unconditional love for family members is a priceless gift. Healthy family members appreciate each individual’s uniqueness and are committed to the family as a whole.

Communication, respect, and acceptance are the building blocks of a healthy family. A healthy family also has clear limits, disciplines without using debilitating shame or guilt, and maintains well defined boundaries.

The “win-win” family

Every family has “down times,” stressful periods, or times of conflict. As with all human relationships, there are bound to be disagreements or times when not everybody feels happy with a situation. Families that learn to resolve conflicts in a positive, supportive manner can turn such challenges into an opportunity for growth and cooperation.

Every family member can meet his or her needs without violating other family members’ needs. This is called “win-win.” It doesn’t mean that there are no rules or that there is no discipline; it does mean that parents must be thoughtful rather than reactive, that parents must establish clear limits and clear, reasonable consequences for behavior, and that parents offer children choices that promote cooperation and positive decision-making.

Some things to remember

• Be consistent. Discuss with children what behaviors are acceptable and why, and clearly explain the consequences of inappropriate behaviors. Encourage open discussion of feelings, and once rules are clearly established, follow through on what has been established.
• Treat children with respect. Give your children the same respect you would give another adult or would expect yourself. Would you expect another adult to scream at you for making a mistake or ridicule you for your behavior? The rule “do unto others” also applies to children. If you are angry, think before you speak, and try to give constructive advice rather than destructive criticism.
• Do away with double standards. Remember that your child learns from your behavior. If you expect your child to stay drug-free, for example, you must be drug-free. Take an honest assessment of your own behaviors and activities and make an effort to change those behaviors you wouldn’t find acceptable in your children.
• Emphasize the positive. Try to find the good in what your child is doing, and build on the child’s strengths. Children seek love and approval. Learning to communicate in a positive manner can go a long way in building a child’s self-esteem.
• · Be supportive. Approach a child’s problems with acceptance, support, and validation. Work with the child cooperatively to find solutions to life’s problems and the child will learn that he or she is a capable person who can cope with life’s ups and downs.
• Set children up for success. Give children age-appropriate opportunities to choose, negotiate, and learn to care for themselves. Avoid setting a child up for failure with unrealistic expectations.
• Establish clear boundaries. Manage a situation before the situation manages you. Know your limits, and openly address what makes you irritated or angry in a rational manner before you have reached “the end of your rope.”

Time for yourself

Having healthy family relationships also means that you take time for yourself and know your own limits. Assess your schedule and try to set aside time to rest and healthy activities. Here are some suggestions:

• Set aside time for exercise.
• Plan for time alone with your spouse or significant other. Get a baby-sitter if needed and “go out,” even if it’s only for a few hours.
• Call for “time out” when you’re under pressure. For example, say “I can’t help you with that now. Let’s do it at three o’clock.”

For questions or concerns, contact the LIFELINE program administrator at 785-296-4304.